Guest Blogger...Sort of?

So, I follow some blogs here and there and I love the idea of guest bloggers. However, since I only write in my blog once every year or so (because my life is that lame), I was not sure how appealing it would be for someone to guest blog on here. The reason why I was thinking this in the first place was that I realized I have a lot of funny friends. I often find myself saying, "You should write a blog so I can be more entertained at work." Yes, you are all responsible for my work free time entertainment and I must say, you guys need to step up your game. I have resorted to reading US Magazine online. I've been reading it so much in fact that I know to check it at 8 AM when I get into work and that I should check it again at 3 PM because new stories have been posted. NEW STORIES! What is most peculiar about this is that Connor and I don't have TV so I have no idea who any of these people are. But I know a lot about their weight fluctuation, dating habits and how often they are wearing outfits that readers find down right hateful. Side note: I often do the "Who wore it best" quizzes where they pit two people wearing a similar style outfit together and you have to vote on who wore it best. After you choose, they show you what everyone else voted. What I find shocking is that 90% of the time I choose the landslide losers. I'm talking only a select 6% of US readers and I think a person rocked the crap out an outfit that 94% of people probably found more offensive than what is going down in Darfur. Ok Ok, sorry, now where was I. Right, funny friends and guest blogging. So what I decided to do was to compile some of my friends quotes and post them as an anonymous list. However, I didn't keep my family anonymous because I have the right to throw them under the bus at will. So you, Mr./Ms. reader, you may find a quote of yours in here. If you don't, well, it's not my fault you aren't funny. Hahahaha. HEY! Calm down. It's a joke.

Alright, well here it be. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did when I heard them:

East Coaster explaining sarcasm to a West Coaster:
Buddy, if nobody is making fun of you, nobody likes you.

On traveling out of the country:
I'm only going to go if I don't have to get immunizations... I'm not going anywhere that I can get a communicable disease...

On saying you're the number one Red Sox fan when you haven't seen a game at Fenway:
Saying you're “the number one fan” without having actually been to a game is like being the club water boy: You may consider yourself a part of the team, but everyone else just thinks you're semi-retarded.

On his wife being pregnant and not able to drink:
I was getting sick of drinking in the closet by myself in the dark. I kept spilling my drink on my shirt because I couldn't find my lips.

My sister in response to her husband asking her what her plans were for the day a month after giving birth:
I don't know maybe I'll just stay home and breastfeed today.

My brother on moving his graduation party a week after he actually graduated for me:
This is almost as bad as when I came home to Holden one weekend and you and your friend were sitting in the living room obviously hung over from a party you just threw at our parent's house. The place was a mess, and somehow you convinced me, your younger naive brother, who was still in Middle School, to clean the house for you. You said if I didn't somehow the parents would be upset at me. Of course I obliged. Stupid Jimmy Daly.

On waking up hung over:
I can't believe I'm an alcoholic. I had such high hopes for myself when I was younger.

On hating basketball:
When watching a basketball game I'm pretty sure TV networks are showing you people a static test screen and you're actually falling for it.

Friend's theory on how women break up with men:
Women break up with guys about 2-3 months before they actually break-up, but don't tell them. After deciding they start to slowly construct a case against them like little lawyers. They then lay in wait for the poor sucker to do something wrong. When they don't after a couple weeks and they get tired of waiting they explode at the next thing that comes close. I'm pretty sure my last girlfriend broke up with me before she even met me.

On her husband and father's day:
I think every day that he gets to go to work and not be home with the kids is Father's Day.

On eating Pho and the Vietnam war:
Pho, pronounced Fa, a Vietnamese delight, translates loosely in English to "We may not have won, but we sure as shit didn't lose that shit in the 60's so F off Saigon".

My Dad on doing errands after my mother had a hip replacement:
One of my high points of this week was when I got out to the Mall, (that's right Dee, me in a mall shopping) and purchased a high end stir fry pot. On sale at $34 down from $82. Now we’re talking good times.

On tending to the driveway:
I decided that I would blow the leaves off our driveway this weekend with our shop vac. However, it still didn't look "neat" enough, so I switched nozzles and basically vacuumed the driveway of all the leaves. Never mind the fact that I'm 7 months pregnant. I really hope the new neighbors didn't see me. They are going to be scared.

On getting off of Chat:
Ok. I have to go mow the lawn now. That is not code for anything either I am really going to do that.

On knowing that I was diagnosed with a learning disability and prank calling me at work:
"Good morning, this is Deidre."
"Have you seen my baseball?"
"Excuse me?"
"Franks and beans!”
“Ah, I think you may have the wrong number.”
“Oh, sorry, wrong retard."

On loving being tagged on Facebook:
When I log onto my email and I have a message from Facebook saying I've been tagged in a picture I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. You know, one of the only reasons I take pictures of other people is because there is a higher chance that they will in turn take a picture of me. And then they'll tag that picture of me on Facebook.

On friends and germs:
I just went to a baby shower this weekend, and after standing in line and seeing 30 people use the same serving spoon to get the lasagna, I was trying to decide what to do about this germ-infested utensil until I saw a giant oven mitt in the middle of the table. I put it on when it was my turn so that I did not have to touch the serving spoon with my bare hand. Several people looked at me like I was nuts and my sister whispered "you are crazy". I yelled at her because I think she spit on my food.

My friend's reply to me saying I'd flip him the bird as we passed by each other in the air on different flights:
Flipping me the bird in an airplane. That's irony Dee. Or is it tragedy? No wait, it's alchemy. Alchemy.

On my boyfriend and I celebrating Thanksgiving in Maine:
Did you kill a wild turkey in your backyard? I can just see it now - you and Connor in loin clothes running in the Maine wilderness with spears - grunting and drooling over each other chasing a poor bird around the yard. Awesome image. Awesome.

My mother yelling out the window to a truck driver who cut her off when she was driving me and the rest of my 7 year old Blue Bird troop to an event in Worcester:
Son of a bitch (as she flips the truck driver the bird)! I have young kids in the car!

Thanks friends and family for being so funny. If any of you people want to take credit for your quote, I guess you can do so by commenting. Had to err on the side of caution. Not really, but I wanted to use the word 'err'.