Superpowers

I was just thinking the other day of how cool superpowers are and how useful it would be to have one. But then, upon further reflection, I realized that there are a couple of superpowers out there which I actually wouldn't want. Here are some of them:

1. Wonder Twins' superpowers

Please tell me some of you remember these two clowns? Twin boy and girl, boy can turn into any form of water (yes, that says water) and the girl can turn into any form of animal. The only way they can activate their powers is by touching hands and announcing together "Twin Powers activate!" Then separately they each state "Form of...." and they say what they are turning into. I think we can all agree that once you announce what you are going to do, it instantly makes it less cool. It would be like Superman stating "I am going to fly now." every time he flew. It would get awkward and people would be annoyed. And seriously, I want to meet the genius who thought that turning into a form of water was a good idea. Someone was paid to come up with that crap. "Oh, well, you better watch out, or I'll ah, make a puddle at your feet. And then whatcha gonna do punk? Huh? HUH? Oh wait, where's my sister?" I remember getting hives watching these two because I was embarrassed for them. I was 8. If you know something is not cool when you are 8, it's clearly not cool.

2. Aquaman's superpowers

Did anyone really care about him? I just remember all these superheroes doing all these cool things, flying on their own or in their invisible jet, running at the speed of light and making large explosions and then this dude dashing to the nearest waterbody. "I'll warn the fish!" Ah. Gee thanks Aquaman, that's really awesome. Honestly, I don't even think the other superheroes cared about him. They just felt bad for him because they knew he had a lame superpower. Did Aquaman ever really save the day? I don't think so. They would show some crazy fight or chase scene and then pan back to Aquaman, still swimming real fast like with weird sound waves coming off of him. Thanks Aquaman.

3. Robin's superpowers

Enough said.

4. The Incredible Hulk's superpowers

If my super power was that I got big and green every time I was angry, I would be so pissed (and then I'd get big and green). Seriously though, what a horrible super power that would be. Imagine talking to your boss with Hulk superpowers:

You: "No, I'm not upset that I didn't get a bigger raise."
Boss: "Really? Are you sure? I just hope you understand the position our company is in."
You: "Yes. I am totally fine, I completely understand. What kind of jerk would I be if I was upset about not getting a larger raise when you have had to fire forty percent of the company? You know me, I'm just not that person."
Boss: "OH thank you for understanding! I'm so glad to hear...."

You start to turn green.

Boss: "Oh. I see."

Awkward silence.

You: "Ok, maybe I'm a little upset."

Your shirt starts to tear off because you are growing huge.

You: "I'm pissed."
Boss: "Clearly."

I'm sure there are others, for example, I can't even think of one positive result of being able to hear other people's thoughts like Matt Parker in Heroes can. Oh, and anyone named "Elastic Man'', can't possibly have cool superpowers. Yes, this is the way in which I make myself feel better about not being born with any sort of power....well...except for the power of being AWESOME.