THINGS THAT USED TO NOT HAPPEN:

I have really been noticing some drastic changes in me as I get older. I often wonder if these changes are things that only I go through or if it’s something commonly shared by others. I decided to make a list of the top three changes I’ve noticed over the years.

FEELING GUILTY
I was raised catholic, went to church every Sunday, attended CCD and was confirmed yet the term ‘Catholic Guilt’ perplexed me even though I had plenty to feel guilty about. I was the girl who:

1) Had a friend drive my dad’s car and total it when I was 15, penniless and unable to repay my father
2) Broke into my brother’s piggy bank and stole five dollars in change which took him over a month to save so I could go to Friendly’s with my friends
3) Convinced my brother that he had to clean up the house after I threw a party or else I’d tell my parents he was the one who made the mess (he was in the fifth grade)
4) Gladly accepted a chance to break up with my friend’s boyfriend for her because I thought it would be fun. He was devastated. I was satisfied. And Guiltless.

That is, until I got older. It seems I’ve decided to make up for all of the times I never felt remorse, and then some. I feel guilty about everything. I feel guilty if I don’t walk my dog for at least 45 minutes a day because I’m certain he gets extremely depressed and finds it hard to go on when he hasn’t been on a walk. I feel guilty about throwing away a shirt I haven’t worn in years because I feel sad for the shirt…for the memories we’ve shared and the good times we’ve had. I feel guilty when I don’t go to see my parent’s for dinner at least twice a week, even when I’m not invited. In reality they have only made enough supper for the two of them, they are toasting their Scotch Old Fashion’s and are enjoying the rarity of being Deidre-less for an evening. In my head they sit at their little table in silence, staring at a empty third place setting and wondering why I have forsaken them. I sometimes feel so guilty about things that I cry. This leads me to number two…

I CRY
I have no idea when it happened but it seems I woke up one morning as a bonafide pussy. I used to cry once or twice a year…TOPS. And now I cry at least once a day. I do everything I can to be alone when I am having my strange fits of emotion. Things that now make me cry? I’ll just brush the surface here. Hallmark commercials throw me into the depths of despair. Pre-game football shows when they do ‘personal stories’ of the players are pretty bad. “His Father passed away eight years and five months ago on THIS DAY. HE has heartburn that has plagued him for the past two months. Can HE OVERCOME his grief about the loss of his father? Can he overcome the crippling heartburn that has plagued him for the past two months? Can he be the champion that HE always knew he could be? That his DAD always knew he could be. That his heartburn DOCTOR always knew he could be?” Nobody is paying much attention to these dramas unfolding on their TV screen. They are focused on eating wings and chili or they are checking their stats on the computer. As for me? I’m in the bathroom with tears streaming down my face, staring up at the sky whispering “Why God? Why does he have agida?” Whate else? Oh yes, any song reminding me of anything from my past, I cried the other day when I heard Janet Jackson’s “Control”. Don't ask. Weddings. I was running on the treadmill at my gym yesterday and watching an episode of Bridezilla. The bride was a total douche and spent the whole episode screaming at everyone. At one point she was howling because one curl was not ‘flowing the right way’. I was thinking about how the women on these shows define every terrible stereotype about my gender, about how phony they are. I couldn’t even imagine why anyone was AT these weddings never mind marrying these women. My thoughts were interrupted by the crazy bride walking down the isle. A familiar tingling sensation happens in my nose, I get the notion that maybe I'm going to sneeze. No, it wasn’t a sneeze coming to surface, it was tears. I was crying. On the treadmill. At my gym. Because of Bridezilla. Speaking of the gym…

MY BODY
If I used to want to shed some unwanted weight, I would go to the gym or outside and run for 3 to 3 ½ miles three times a week. One month later I would be ten pounds lighter. Everything would be tightened up and all would be well. Now? Now I run for 4-5 miles four to five times a week, I’m careful about what I eat and yet…nothing. Now, I don't have to excercise because I want to shed some inches, instead I have to exercise in order to not become the size of a house. The whole idea of ‘tighter’ is a very fond but very distant memory. And, every inch of my body has decided that it wants to be on the ground. It is moving a little closer to it every day. It’s as if one day gravity decided to reassert its control all over my body and face. Oh, and my arms. What’s strange about my arms is that each arm has two different entities now. The ‘Upper Arm’ (from the elbow up) and ‘Lower Arm’ (from the elbow down). “Lower Arm” has been a stoic member of my body which has been impervious to change. “Upper Arm” however, well, seems to have given up all hope. It grows larger from day to day. I woke up in the middle of the night recently because my ‘Upper Arm” was being restricted by my ten year old men's large T-shirt sleve. All circulation was being cut off from my "Upper Arm" to my "Lower arm". I'm pretty sure "Upper Arm" was trying to take its own life.

Well, that’s all I have time for folks. Not that I am done with the list, I could go on for days. Fortunately for you though I won't, I have to get back to work and get to the gym. I haven’t done either today…which is making me feel bloated, guilty and like crying. I can't wait to get even older.