Cargo Boats:

Assorted Observations regarding taking a cargo boat from Pulacallpa, Peru to Leticia, Colombia.

The travel books said that each cargo boat would have the day it was leaving written on the chalkboard on the side. This particular boat's chalkboard said "Martes", and luckily for us it was "Martes" (Tuesday). Therefore, we tied our hammocks on the boat. We sat on the boat all day. We waited all night on the boat, fell asleep on the boat. Got up on Miercoles (Wednesday), got drunk on the boat with our new friend Aryeh by eleven AM and the boat finally departed by three PM on Miercoles (Wednesday).

First observation...don't trust the chalkboards on the side of cargo boats leaving from Pullcalpa Peru. And when you try and verify the departure day with the captain and he says "Si Vaya Hoy" what he means is, "No vaya Hoy".

Second observation: You don't sleep in room's on cargo boats, you sleep on a hammock which you tie to the rebar of the boat.

Third observation: You can fit three hundred people in hammocks, 25-30 chickens, 3-4 monkeys in boxes, 10 pigs, 4 cows, assorted luggage, 200-300 cargo boxes, food stuffs, six toilette's two small 'stores' (which is a cooler of beer) all on one boat.

Forth Observation: Three hundred people in hammocks, 25-30 chickens, 3-4 monkeys in boxes, 10 pigs, 4 cows, assorted luggage, 200-300 cargo boxes, food stuffs, six toilette's two small 'stores' which is a cooler of beer all on one boat smells bad. And by bad, I mean a mixture of hot trash, Doritos and old diapers would smell better than the boat did. Balls.

Fifth Observation: When you ask someone if there is a 'basura' on the boat don't be alarmed when they say 'Si' and then proceeded to take the trash out of your hands and throw it over their shoulder into the river.

Sixth Observation: Breakfast looks like murky water and milk combined. It's hot and may come with two pieces of stale bread...and by stale i mean less like the 'day old' bagels that you can get in the states and more like the bread you find in the back of your cupboard that was from last year..if you shellacked it and then encased it in iron. When you get to the bottom of your bowl, you may see something...or two somethings. They are OATS. Two oats. This is oatmeal.

Seventh Observation: Lunch is the best meal on any cargo boat. Unidentified meat, rice and boiled Yucca.

Eighth Observation: Dinner on the cargo boat is soup. With chunks of meat. And by meat I mean random feet of chickens and hearts and such.

Ninth Observation: Monkeys like chicken hearts. But they do not like girls named Deidre and they scream and try and claw her when she walks by.

Tenth Observation: Pigs are gross animals. I would give up eating them all together...if bacon didn't taste so damn good. Bacon's the winner. Bacon wins.

Eleventh Observation: You can have the woman who sells the beer put in your "Ready to Die" CD on her boom box. Then you can listen to it in front of little kids and say "bitch, fuck, shit, and punk ass nigga" along to the lyrics and the kids smile at you because they don't know what in gods name you are talking about.

Twelfth Observation: Yes, I am obviously still immature and get a kick out of observation eleven. Madds can probably attest to this seeing as how pleased Emma was with "Do the Jane Fonda".

Thirteenth Observation: I'm pretty sure there were more babies sucking on their mother's teat at any given moment on this boat than you would find on a cow farm.

Fourteenth Observation: It is not uncommon to see the child finish up sucking on said 'teat' and then look up to their mom and say "That was great, thanks mom" and then walk away. OK, they didn't really say that...because they spoke SPANISH, silly readers.

Fifteenth Observation: Much of the serious business on Cargo boats goes down at two o'clock in the morning. Like paying your agreed fare to your destination point, drug checks and passport checks.

Sixteenth Observation: I am functionally retarded on cargo boats at two in the morning. There was a passport check once and the dude sleeping next to me woke me up and told me (in Spanish) that there was a passport check. What I heard was "Meal time". I proceeded to get out my meal ticket and my food bowl and stood up to get in line. Connor looked at me with a grin, shook his head and held up his passport. The two men standing there with machine guns were not amused.

Seventeenth Observation: I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

Eighteenth Observation: Most of the cooks on cargo boats are ginormous and gay. They can sometimes be seen rocking lip stick and heavy eye make up.

Nineteenth Observation: No one is shocked by observation eighteen and so act like this is old hat. Who says 'old hat' that is under ninety years of age? ME!

Twentieth Observation: If you get the chance to do this. Do it. It was one of the most unique experiences I've ever had to date.