Puppet Porn and Grandma

Recently I was reminiscing about all of my past fourth of July's. Every year since I can remember, I go to my parent's cabin on Lake Bomoseen in Vermont. It's the one time of year that I get to see most of my relatives on my mother's side of the family. Beer, family, friends, fireworks, celebrating our freedom from the tyranny of the English Crown while creating our own tyranny by slaughtering the natives of this land and taking over by trading Montana for a bottle of whisky and so on and so forth until, America! Yay!

Last year, my cousin Craig and his wife Mary had brought the movie "Team America" with them. I hadn't heard much about the movie other than the fact that it was a movie written, produced and directed by Trey Parker. It was late on Saturday night, Sunday morning and I sat in front of the fire with the rest of the stragglers who were still awake. Mary came out and announced that she was going to put in 'Team America' for those who wanted to watch. I went in to watch the movie and the rest of the people went to bed.

I sat down on the couch with Craig and Mary and started the movie when my grandmother came over from the kitchen and asked if she could watch with us. "Sure Gram", answered my cousin's simultaneously. How sweet. A half an hour went by when my cousin Craig looked at me and said "Well, we're beat. Enjoy the rest of the movie". My grandmother and I said good night and I watched Mary and Craig get into their air mattress directly behind the TV. They were intensely whispering about something. I thought maybe they were fighting and, because I'm nosy, I strained to make out what they were saying. I heard a sudden gasp from my grandmother which averted my attention back to the screen. Two of the puppets were in bed. Naked. Having sex in the missionary position. The alarm sounded off in my head. This was that fight or flight moment that everyone talks about. You supposedly have one or the other. I myself often experience option three which nobody talks about. That's the one where you stay exactly where you are, mouth agape, and drool on yourself. I excel at this option. The puppets moved into the 'dog style' position. I slowly picked the pillow up from my lap and held it up between the TV screen and myself as to block my view, yet I was peaking over the pillow anyways because I couldn't stop watching. I glanced at my grandmother and realized that she too was experiencing option three of the fight or flight response. I slowly pivoted the pillow between my grandmother and I as to block my view of her. I directed my attention back to the movie, the puppets were against a bureau and watching themselves in the mirror. Inner voice: "Get up. Turn it off. TURN IT OFF". Puppets in the 69 position. "Run Deidre, Run". Female puppet on top of male puppet backwards. "Bad Puppets". Then they started doing things that I'd never even heard of. "God I hate these puppets". I hear a noise somewhere in the vicinity of the air mattress. Was someone crying I wondered? No, quite the contrary, I was hearing giggles. The bastards had set me up. "Sweet Mary mother of..." My grandmother's voice pulled me back to the screen. What could be worse than what we've already seen? I can't go into full detail but I will say this, sometimes seeing public urination isn't as shocking as seeing private urination. With Puppets. And Poo. I dropped the pillow and jumped up to my feet. The remote hit the floor which pulled my grandmother back to reality and away from the shock and awe of puppet porn. I smiled. She didn't. I stretched and said "Well, I'm going to bed Gram". "Can I shut this off?" She asked, barely able to make out the question. "Ya, sure. You know, that's a...Bad...Movie. Bad movie. Good night." Well said. I walked behind the TV and could make out Mary and Craig's faces which were glistening with tears of laughter.