Top Five Bath Solutions
My sister and I used to take baths together when we were younger. Insert dirty "Sisters taking baths" joke here. No really do, I've never heard it before. Ever. Because it's so original and clever. Anyways, the bath is where my sister and I would take it upon ourselves to solve different issues that were plaguing our five and six year old minds. I thought I'd share some of our groundbreaking work with you. It may save your lives, the lives of others or feasibly the world. Here is what I deem my sister and I's TOP FIVE:
ISSUE ONE: World running out of water. This was a fact that one of us had heard either at school or on the news. The world was running out of water and we were all going to die.
SOLUTION: We couldn't quite wrap our brains around it at first. We just couldn't imagine a world without water. It was too big. It was too scary. For a long while we sat in silence. Nothing came to mind. We were both searching around the bathtub for inspiration. Anything that could help us solve such a crisis. Then it happened. I saw my sister slowly reach out for the plastic cup. She then dipped it in the water and sat it on the edge of the tub. Brilliant. A smile spread across my face. The world may run out of water, but not us. Nay. We have a cup of water, right here. On our bathtub.
ISSUE TWO: How to keep our pajamas warm in the winter during bath time. To those of you who did not grow up somewhere where there was an actual winter *cough* Portland *cough*, this may seem a trivial matter. But let me assure you, existing through the New England winters and living on the "Snow Belt" (which is what locals like to call interstate 495 near Worcester, MA) is nothing to scoff at. What I'm saying is, shit's cold. And if your dad "gets a headache from heat" (read, gets a headache from heating bills) and if his only solution when you are cold at night is, "move closer to the wood stove" which was in the living room, downstairs, in the opposite corner of the house from your bedroom, getting out of the tub and putting on cold pajamas was more worrisome then than Facebook is now (look at me all bringing stuff back from old posts. KAPOW! Kapow? Yeah, I guess that's what I'm going to say there).
SOLUTION: Put our footsie PJ's on the small electric heater in the bathroom while we took a bath.
ISSUE THREE: How to extinguish the fire that putting our PJ's on the small electric heater caused while trying to heat them up during a bath (see ISSUE TWO).
SOLUTION: Run downstairs dripping wet and naked screaming "FIIIIIIIRRRRRRE!!!!" at the top of your lungs and follow your mom tearing up the stairs to find two little plastic blobs on the floor tiles that were once your PJ's. Watch mom unplug the heater. Genius. I remember in that moment pondering if all my pajamas were really just gigantic wearable Shrinky Dinks (worst name ever) in disguise.
ISSUE FOUR: How to deter robbers from stealing things in our house. I'm relatively certain that this was an issue I brought to the table. I was very concerned with people stealing things. And also concerned with people stealing me. Yes, I actually thought those two things happened together. Like someone would be stealing my mother's jewels and then think, "Hm, maybe I'll also snag her child while I'm here."Also, I'm not sure who I think my mother is, Queen of England? Someone is after her jewels? I don't know. Just keep reading.
SOLUTION: Pee in an empty shampoo bottle, cap it and set it aside on the tub (next to the life saving water cup). If someone were to break in we'd force the burglar to smell our pee. This would certainly insure that they not only wouldn't steal our stuff but they would also not steal me.
ISSUE FIVE: How to explain to my mother, after she washed her hair with our urine, not only what our plan was, but also to help her see that it was foolproof and we were in essence saving the family.
SOLUTION: Don't pee in empty shampoo bottles.
That's all I've got for you. I hope you all learned something.
My sister and I used to take baths together when we were younger. Insert dirty "Sisters taking baths" joke here. No really do, I've never heard it before. Ever. Because it's so original and clever. Anyways, the bath is where my sister and I would take it upon ourselves to solve different issues that were plaguing our five and six year old minds. I thought I'd share some of our groundbreaking work with you. It may save your lives, the lives of others or feasibly the world. Here is what I deem my sister and I's TOP FIVE:
ISSUE ONE: World running out of water. This was a fact that one of us had heard either at school or on the news. The world was running out of water and we were all going to die.
SOLUTION: We couldn't quite wrap our brains around it at first. We just couldn't imagine a world without water. It was too big. It was too scary. For a long while we sat in silence. Nothing came to mind. We were both searching around the bathtub for inspiration. Anything that could help us solve such a crisis. Then it happened. I saw my sister slowly reach out for the plastic cup. She then dipped it in the water and sat it on the edge of the tub. Brilliant. A smile spread across my face. The world may run out of water, but not us. Nay. We have a cup of water, right here. On our bathtub.
ISSUE TWO: How to keep our pajamas warm in the winter during bath time. To those of you who did not grow up somewhere where there was an actual winter *cough* Portland *cough*, this may seem a trivial matter. But let me assure you, existing through the New England winters and living on the "Snow Belt" (which is what locals like to call interstate 495 near Worcester, MA) is nothing to scoff at. What I'm saying is, shit's cold. And if your dad "gets a headache from heat" (read, gets a headache from heating bills) and if his only solution when you are cold at night is, "move closer to the wood stove" which was in the living room, downstairs, in the opposite corner of the house from your bedroom, getting out of the tub and putting on cold pajamas was more worrisome then than Facebook is now (look at me all bringing stuff back from old posts. KAPOW! Kapow? Yeah, I guess that's what I'm going to say there).
SOLUTION: Put our footsie PJ's on the small electric heater in the bathroom while we took a bath.
ISSUE THREE: How to extinguish the fire that putting our PJ's on the small electric heater caused while trying to heat them up during a bath (see ISSUE TWO).
SOLUTION: Run downstairs dripping wet and naked screaming "FIIIIIIIRRRRRRE!!!!" at the top of your lungs and follow your mom tearing up the stairs to find two little plastic blobs on the floor tiles that were once your PJ's. Watch mom unplug the heater. Genius. I remember in that moment pondering if all my pajamas were really just gigantic wearable Shrinky Dinks (worst name ever) in disguise.
ISSUE FOUR: How to deter robbers from stealing things in our house. I'm relatively certain that this was an issue I brought to the table. I was very concerned with people stealing things. And also concerned with people stealing me. Yes, I actually thought those two things happened together. Like someone would be stealing my mother's jewels and then think, "Hm, maybe I'll also snag her child while I'm here."Also, I'm not sure who I think my mother is, Queen of England? Someone is after her jewels? I don't know. Just keep reading.
SOLUTION: Pee in an empty shampoo bottle, cap it and set it aside on the tub (next to the life saving water cup). If someone were to break in we'd force the burglar to smell our pee. This would certainly insure that they not only wouldn't steal our stuff but they would also not steal me.
ISSUE FIVE: How to explain to my mother, after she washed her hair with our urine, not only what our plan was, but also to help her see that it was foolproof and we were in essence saving the family.
SOLUTION: Don't pee in empty shampoo bottles.
That's all I've got for you. I hope you all learned something.
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